letter to somebody

(since, as the King of Hearts remarked, it is very unusual to write a letter to nobody)

hi. first of all, a big hug and lots of kisses.

lets talk about emotions.

i guess you are the kind of girl who is in touch with her emotions. one says that about women in general, that they are "in touch" with their emotions, more so than men.
but what does that mean? i mean, i'm in touch with someone in china. i write her one or two e-mails a week, and a letter now and then. is that the kind of touch girls are in with their emotions, like they are with their aunt who lives in australia?

myself, i have no emotions in australia, or china either. emotions are never outside, where we could "touch" them. they aren't even inside, like, say, the alcohol of the glass of wine we drank an hour ago. emotions, if they are really there, are just US. the whole of us, and the whole of our world too.

you know that perfectly well, or maybe you don't, but i do from observing you. i've seen you play ping-pong, for instance. and riding your bike along a straight, free, open road with no one and nothing to hinder you. and these were moments when you were all there, and all your world, inside and outside of your body, was just that: a certain kind of emotion - enjoyment of your own skill, or of your absolute freedom of movement.

now a game of pink-pong or backgammon, or a bike ride, or even the most passionate sexual act doesn't last very long. any child could concentrate for that long, or even longer - because it means doing just one thing at a time, and the emotion is entirely connected with the action, so it is easy to maintain.

but it's possible to BE your emotion for days on end, even for months. take me as an example. ever since i fell in love with you, i am just that: in love with you, my love for you. like in a good drama, this is the main sentiment. it may take the shape of benevolence, or bouts of joking, or strong sexual interest, or angriness, jealousy, despair... but essentially, it remains the same, and all other things come in under-categories. and everything i do is related to it, from baking a cake to writing an article that has nothing to do with you (for me, of course, it has). i don't enter into another emotion - because to me, it would mean turning into an entirely different person.

maybe it's just my imagination, but i feel that you do turn into a different person every so often. of course, i won't stop you from playing ping-pong with a guy i don't like, or watching a tv-series i hate. but please, when you do, don't change into someone i don't know - as if there was no underlying emotional mainstay, but just something different every minute.
and don't ever try to appear unemotional. i know, you are modest and don't want to force your feelings upon people. but this is not the same as modesty - it's self-effacement, it's like you aren't there any more and leave me alone on this chaotic planet. always, always be there. please.
if you hate me, you have my full permission to beat and claw me, and shout at me. (yes, i will hit back.) you may even show me the could shoulder, as long as i feel it IS really cold. if, on the contrary, you like me at all, don't just show it - be THERE when you show it, and also when you do something else. if you are incessantly flying away to another planet, and coming back for just a few hours or minutes, and then take off again without saying goodbye, it's more than i can stand.

because i really, really love you.